The US Air Force’s most lethal weapon of mass destruction in the western United States isn’t a Minuteman III missile in a Nevada- it’s “Mobility,” the most cringe-inducing rock band on the planet.
Capable of causing an entire city to surrender after one set, Mobility is touted by the USAF as “the high-energy pop and rock band of the United States Air Force Band of the Golden West, stationed at Travis Air Force Base, California.”
Much like the “high-energy” effects of a nuclear warhead, Mobility destroys everything it touches, from beloved American Pop songs to down-home Southern Rock. Nothing is safe from Mobility’s reach- if it’s available to be done in cover form, they will belt it out like a drunken wedding singer.
The two main vocalists in Mobility are Senior Airman Salina Boodoosingh and Airman First Class Kayla Highsmith, junior enlisted female singers who, despite collectively holding Bachelor’s degrees in music studies and health sciences, damage ear drums with bad music.
There is apparently a “troop rock band” which is definitely something we need to protect democracy pic.twitter.com/AsxvIUFmxG
— jordan (@JordanUhl) November 13, 2018
Their antics have been panned across the internet, to include a Twitter share of their ear-splitting rendition of Imagine Dragons’ “Whatever It Takes” during the halftime show of the NFL’s Monday night football matchup between the Giants and 49ners .
“There is apparently a “troop rock band” which is definitely something we need to protect democracy,” musician Jordan Uhl tweeted. “We will defeat ISIS with the power of rock and roll.”
— USAF Band of the Golden West (@BandGoldenWest) November 13, 2018
“This made me very uncomfortable,” John Ales said.
On Reddit, r/AirForce netizens criticized the band’s lackluster performance, lack of male vocalists and poor choice in songs.
“I thought it was great…Totally representative of the current state of the USAF,” user Gunslinger327 wrote. “Too loud, seemingly unorganized, off key, and totally under manned…lol (pun intended).”
“Travis should 86 that nonsense and invest the money into replacing the Popeye’s that closed down in the BX [Base Exchange Store],” user “Saul_Teaload” wrote.
Others criticized the band for wearing duty uniforms, while the actual brass band wore dress blues in the foreground.
“I thought just for a second that it would be an actual orchestra when I saw the blues,” user Sean 1117 noted. “But then, I remembered that it was the NFL and therefore we wouldn’t have nice things.”
“I feel bad for you guys, the way that performance was done,” Flash_Falcon responded. “At least wear something different besides the service uniform for [that] type of show. Sadly, they probably are in the back, high-fiving each other.
In Washington, DC, “Mobility” has competition in the form of the USAF Band’s rock component, dubbed Max Impact. Equally, if not more terrible than Mobility, Max Impact is currently on the hunt for a new male vocalist, and is offering 30 days of annual vacation, medical and dental, and a starting salary of $61-67,000.
It is unknown if Max Impact and Mobility are strictly non-combat units, though it would appear to be a waste of resources if such was the case: one performance from either could likely force an enemy nation to capitulate within 24 hours.
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