Military creating gender-neutral vegan MRE menu options

(This is a completely satirical post written only for entertainment)

Service members may be getting a different facial expression next time they bust out a box of rations following the US military’s transition to more “environmental and health-oriented” MREs.

According to the Arlen Bystander, the new meals were concocted in response to extensive criticism by lobbyists in Washington, who demanded that military rations meet the following criteria:

  • Must be meat-free and all food sourced or prepared in vegan-friendly fashion
  • All food is required to be “gender-neutral”
  • All sourced items must be grown in the US from organic sources or certified “Fair-Trade”
  • Omission of gluten from all products as well as artificial preservatives
  • BPA-free packaging that is biodegradable
  • Must not contain environmentally harmful flameless ration heaters

The new meals weigh around 1 pound less than current MREs and have a shelf life of 3 years, roughly 7 years shorter than previous rations.

“The short shelf life of the new rations will ensure that soldiers become accustomed to eating the rations, as well as cut down on black market ration sales to survivalists and foreign countries,” said Brigadier General A.J. Publick, commander of the 501st Sustainment Brigade of Fort Blanda, Texas. “Not to mention, they have fewer calories so making tape will be less of an issue.”

When asked how food could be gender neutral, Publick said he was unsure but surmises that it involved the meals’ lack of “hot dogs and tuna.”

“Definitely no more meatballs with the spaghetti,” he said.

Troops evaluating the meals, however, told a different story.

“You might as well open an empty package,” exclaimed Corporal Richard Scarfolk of the 1st Cavalry Division. “I can’t sustain myself on lentils and dried pepper jerky. Where is my beef stew? The Tootsie Roll and my beef jerky?”

“Check your privilege, Scarfolk!” interjected SSG Dana Futanari, who re-entered the military recently after the ban on transgendered personnel was lifted. “You don’t get to oppress everyone with your chauvinistic and crude menu choices.”

SSG Futanari told us they were proud that the military had made such “progressive” meal choices.

The new meals are expected to cost $3.2 million in extra costs per year and will be in full production by 2022.

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  • Andy Wolf

    Andy Wolf is an Appalachian native who spent much of his youth and young adulthood overseas in search of combat, riches, and adventure- accruing decades of experience in military, corporate, first responder, journalistic and advisory roles. He resides in North Carolina's Blue Ridge Mountains with his K9 companion, Kiki.

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