Despite how awesome it feels to fly in a fighter jet, the pilots who climb into the cockpit of these modern marvels are often subjected to fairly austere conditions in terms of comfort. From a stiff ejection seat to very little in terms of storage space, the cockpits of aircraft are often lacking in creature comforts.
Of course, most fighter planes lack bathrooms as well (with one rare exception being the Su-34 Fullback, but that certainly doesn’t help American aviators at all). As such, “go before you go” is a way of life for many.
Unfortunately, nature has a way of calling you to the porcelain throne at the most inopportune of times, leading to some unfortunate situations.
Such was the case during the Cold War, when the crew of an American F-4E Phantom II -callsign Sting 3- ran into a serious problem: the Weapons Systems Officer suffered a medical mishap that resulted in complete bowel evacuation.
“I just did something totally uncool,” the WSO said.
“Did you piss all over yourself?” the pilot asked.
“No, I did worse than that,” the WSO huffed. “I just s*** all over myself.”
The WSO had reported stomach and intestinal issues prior to the accident, and his body was unable to wait until the flight of F-4s had landed.
Soon, the smell began to fill the cockpit, and the waste ran from the WSO’s elevated position into the pilot’s area.
“I just took a huge dump, dude,” the WSO said. “I had no choice!”
The WSO repeatedly apologized, though the pilot was quite understanding and patient.
Soon, the flight lead demanded status checks, and the crew decided to break the bad news.
“Got a problem with the Bravo,” the pilot reported, referring to his WSO.
“State the nature of the problem,” the commander said, wanting to know why Sting 3 needed to head back to base.
“Just had a major bowel movement in the back seat,” the WSO said over flight comms. “I have to go back home.”
Needing no further explanation, Sting 1 cut Sting 3 loose.
“Copy all,” Sting 1 said. “You’re cleared off.”
Sting 3 then powered up the afterburners and headed back to base.
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